hello. its been a while.

So where to begin.

These past 2 months have both flown and dragged. My medical issue (Epididymal cysts) has just become more problematic for my own comfort (physical and mental). Im often woken up just turning and now sitting is become an issue. This has laft me just exhausted and distracted.

Some days are better than others. But friday it was really bad, inflamation and swelling etc. Since then its gone down but i have been a zombie.

On the crossdressing front i have not had opportunity since May, qnd had arranged to be with sister today to have me time. I have a new dress i am eager to try on, but fearfull i wont fit or will just be mishapen. Theres nothing worse to a body blow than being disphoric and attempting to fix it only for crushing dissapointment.

On top of this my wife and i have had ups and downs. She has weaponised my other side in a disagreement about something else, and then complained when i took a dress to my sister that i never told her about it, and we dont talk any more. Truth is ive been pushed away and shamed so often, and only by her that I really dont want to involve her in this side of me any more. 

An example is when she has said thay she now dislikes talking about fasion as she says I am avoidant, but this is after numerous times I have expeessed an opinion only for her to instantly sour to me.

Other times she can be encouraging of other hobbies but I know that if I indulge more than her liking I will get an outburst from her.

I am hpping to build the workshop next to hold not just projects and side hisstle I am willing to promote online (where she has ideas but doesnt want to be online because "her ideas will be ripped off") but also for my hobbies.

She has allready mentioned she needs a place for her garden tools.

Much like every other shared space in the house I fear it will be unusable for my needs due to her demands.

Aaaaanyway, onto doday and why I am emotional.

I have booked the day off for Becca time as mentioned above. But I'll be honest, I've not told my wife any different. I am anxious and to be honest not liking the lack of forthcoming honesty on my part, but when she reacts so badly something I do to lift my spirits and dopamine levels, and helps me hope for a better course in life staving off the disconnection from life I i feel, I am going to end up hating myself either way.

I need a lottery win so she can take the money and have choice of staying or going. I really am questioning why she is so clingy when she obviously doesnt actually care for me.

Im just tired and worn out by her extreme emotional see-saw