Convelesence Blues

So its been a busy couple of weeks/months since my last update. The big event was that the surgery for an epidymal cyst has happned, and I am currently on the end of my recovery leave from work. Its been hard psychologically due to inactivity and being stuck iwithin 4 walls.

The physical pain and comfort have been a chalenge but its more the.mental aspect. Somemof the larger pumps have gone but everything is still sore and larger (I am told temporarily so due to healing). This is possibly worse of a headfuck than the cysts were, as doubts as to whether it was worth it add to the allready drread of not aving the right body type add to it.

I also feel my efforts to controll exfoliation and arm/leg hair have taken a giant leap backwards. I am sitting here ready to bust into tears.

And I feel alone. I feel like I cannot confide these feelings to my wife any more, and while I can normaly just grey rock any borderline episode, I just dont have the ability right now. Her last outburst (about 2 weeks ago when i intiated a discussion on "Becca" left on the note that she believes you can medicate diaphoria. I can find no such reference on the NHS direct website. 

What seems to be happening is my wife seems to be in denial about this side of me until one of us brings it up and then anger. But rather than go through bargening to acceptance, she reverts to denial.

Thus i have asked my GP to refer me to a Gender Identity Councillor. My reasoning was to me progress this stagnation between my wife and I, wherever it leads. I also need to finaly answer the question, do genderfluid people get disphoria this intense, or am i just coping by distraction to give me breaks in it.