Rebecca Riot's Diary

So yesterday my wife said she didnt get why I had to wear makeup when I was explaining the plastic tool i bought to help with mascara. I told her that i bought it as im very much unpracticed and prone to making a mess with.mascara in perticular.  She said she still considers it a kink for men, that I only seemed to go this way when she stopped making an effort in her appearance.  Perhaps there was some correlation (not causation) in this. She made a notable change and neglect of self care due to her health. This added strain on me as she refused medical advice, and I stepped up efforts in accomidation. This had an impact on my health and now not only was I neglecting the part of me that wished to not be a scruffy guy, but now the scruffy guy time was cut as I was just so exhausted after working, fretting over bills and now fretting over her health. As to her accusation its a kink thing, I dont think it is for me. I hate how grey my face looks, the texture of my skin, the fact ...

So to catch up. It's been a funny 2 weeks. For a few months I have been storing Becca’s clothes and cosmetics in watertight backpacks in my bike shed, but I haven't had opportunity to check on them and my expensive e bike in a few weeks. On the 6th I got an opportunity and was horrified. Everything was dripping and/or green with mould. I had a.meltdown and in a few voice messages which were to tell her I have gone to fetch stuff to clean the mould etc, I explained that her dominance over the back entrance where she was growing fruit in the conservatory had to end. I dropped my clothes with my sister to ask if I could take her up on the offer of laundry and went home where we bickered for a bit and came to a few agreements about my need to be able to get in and out the house via the back to check in things. While sat there later that evening, quietly avoiding talking to each other, the wife binge watching midsomer murders and I was chatting to a friend over Instagram messages (...

So 2023 was rough. But progressive. I went in with a little independance to say ‘i'm dressing anyway regardless of Halloween 2022 circumstances' ', finding my first steps with makeup and growing from there (it's an ongoing journey still). However the biggest turn has been how I look at my marriage and past behaviour of fawning to try to build someone else's happiness at expense of myself. I started to realise that I am deserving of being wanted. Aside from my parents and siblings, I was only embraced/hugged 4 times by people. Once by my wife before surgery (which I needed when I wanted reassurance when I thought it was terminal), and by the 3 friends in work who have listened patiently while I overshared and mooped about the office. The latter 3 made me tear up as I was leaving for a very tense Christmas period (due to the insulting comments my wife made about the privilege of having parents put us on the property ladder). Where I am emotionally is that ...