2024 started with an unexpected turn.
So to catch up. It's been a funny 2 weeks.
For a few months I have been storing Becca’s clothes and cosmetics in watertight backpacks in my bike shed, but I haven't had opportunity to check on them and my expensive e bike in a few weeks. On the 6th I got an opportunity and was horrified. Everything was dripping and/or green with mould. I had a.meltdown and in a few voice messages which were to tell her I have gone to fetch stuff to clean the mould etc, I explained that her dominance over the back entrance where she was growing fruit in the conservatory had to end.
I dropped my clothes with my sister to ask if I could take her up on the offer of laundry and went home where we bickered for a bit and came to a few agreements about my need to be able to get in and out the house via the back to check in things.
While sat there later that evening, quietly avoiding talking to each other, the wife binge watching midsomer murders and I was chatting to a friend over Instagram messages (camaraderie in how our respective spouses have gone quiet), my wife started passively aggressively sighing. So I asked her what's bothering her (I can't give advice out and not follow through myself).
What followed was a tense and emotional discussion. She felt like i was emotionally unavailable (which is true) and suspicious. So I told her I was chatting to my friend in Leeds (even name dropped). It seems she is suspicious about what I'm talking about, when really we were comparing notes on how our respective spouses have reacted to us seeking referral to Gender Specialist care.
What continued is a discussion where we admitted a few key things.
1. I admitted that my emotional unavailability was because the words she said to me in June were not forgotten, they still bounce around my head when she's quiet
2. That the words in June were said to me to deliberately hurt me, and that i would appreciate that you do not point weapons at things you do nkt wish destroyed.
3. That my passive suicidal thought since 2022 had progressed in 2023 to active suicidal thoughts
4. That she feels she can't discuss matters with our friends due to my privacy.
5. She doesn't want me hiding anything
I wanted to come clean publicly about my struggles and no longer hide.
The latter point does not hold true. And i had called her out on maligning me to a mutual friend who had gone distant on me.
So Tuesday last week I came out publicly, not just for my intention to be out this year, not just for my mum expressing a need to talk about my journey alsi to process things. But because I need to show her I am not holding back.
Do I think she's actually changed course. I don't know. But I have told her I will be sorting out our administrative issues and she will be claiming UC or PIP if she is unable to work, as this is not sustainable even if we were 100% good, as if anything were to happen to me she would be screwed. I still cant help that shes now gone agreeable incase I make her homeless which is further than the truth.
The message Tuesday was proofread by my trusted friends, sister and lastly my wife before posting. And so far it's been such a relief. My mum has been able to tell family members, and my colleagues have congratulated me for taking a brave step (it would have been more of a burden being guarded about myself and possible changes).
Wednesday we went to an LGBTQ gathering/social project thing also which she seems to have embraced. But in the group chat one member had used her street nickname without her previously telling it in the group. She is privately messaging people for sure with more of her story.
It's hard for me not to be defensively paranoid over the mutual friend that is no longer mutual, but I hope she is talking all the same to unpack some of the stereotypes she holds from cruising the gay club scene in her younger days.
Yesterday the first batch of laundry came home and I left them in the room next to the kitchen, they had been sifted by the time i returned, but I expected this. What I expected was a wobble from her which has not come so far (again I'm looking for micro aggression because im burned).
I will have to make this a weekly thing from now on and keep diarising this. As if there's no genuine change and mutual compromise in respect of boundaries then we will have to look at our options as the marriage isnt working for either of us.
Comments