2023 was growth

So 2023 was rough. But progressive.

I went in with a little independance to say ‘i'm dressing anyway regardless of Halloween 2022 circumstances' ', finding my first steps with makeup and growing from there (it's an ongoing journey still).

However the biggest turn has been how I look at my marriage and past behaviour of fawning to try to build someone else's happiness at expense of myself.

I started to realise that I am deserving of being wanted. Aside from my parents and siblings, I was only embraced/hugged 4 times by people.

Once by my wife before surgery (which I needed when I wanted reassurance when I thought it was terminal), and by the 3 friends in work who have listened patiently while I overshared and mooped about the office. The latter 3 made me tear up as I was leaving for a very tense Christmas period (due to the insulting comments my wife made about the privilege of having parents put us on the property ladder).

Where I am emotionally is that I really don't need my marriage. Not the added stress. not the lack of freedom to explore this part of me. Not the anger when she has not been engaged with me while I tried to tell her and involve her in my day, but suddenly wants me to talk to her later on (with the accusation that I apparently came home and fell into my phone).

I no longer feel I have the emotional safety to open up after having my crossdressing used in arguments (which as most of us cd/tv/ts people would not empart without significant trust in early acceptance).  Rather than alone, I feel trapped, and being alone would be prefferable.

Another wake up moment was Just before Christmas I bought an exercise book to log her health for PIP/UC, and she FREAKED. She did not want to claim as they will make her go places, and didnt want to be employed for similar reasons and for filing taxes in the US. I tild her that without any state pension contribution i would not afford retirement myself if I continue to support her

However she wants to be self-employed (which will require filing taxes in two countries and no foreign earned income exemption for the IRS).

It's made me see why after all I have given up and accommodated, she is not happy.

Divorce would simply ruin us, and the way she had abdicated all engagement in shopping handling paperwork etc here to me she wouldn't last.

So I have to push my boundaries back. And make myself happy. Rather than resolutions, I have set challenges:

• To be more overtly queer in my normal footprint (preempt the narrative)

• To announce to the world my identity, most likely at Cardiff Pride which I will attend with my mum, sister and a few close friends.

• To visit my friend in reading, for they had seriously helped me in 2021 identify with myself through the friendship

• To finish the elvira costume properly, and get pics

• To finish off the year by  going to staff the christmas party in a dress and killer makeup.

These will all cause contention at home which I must face.

And the argument over PIP/UC or employment (part time is ok by me), as well as and forcing control over her money back to her is another part of this. I fear the shit will hit the fan and I need her to not have a narrative that I was the abuser.