Saturday the 2nd of march....

I haven't dressed properly since the 27th. Tbh while it's been a while it's because I knew it would lead to conflict. But Saturday I had the unique point of feeling disphoric enough to be desperate, self shamed about lack of progress, and yet stable to head off any arguments.

So after a run which was average in pace, but in a new route I came home..showered and shaved after forewarning my wife I was going to practice.

I bought a new eyelid primer from E.L.F that I wanted to see if it made application easier (it did), and new pleather bell bottoms from shein, and a knit cowl neck.

Makeup went on without hitch. And initially after purple Jeggings and cowl neck went on and got no reaction other than a bit of welcome and constructive criticism on the breastform orientation. But after  the bell bottoms went on and I walked out the room for 5 minutes to get appropriate shoes I heared sobbing.

I came and sat next to her and asked what was wrong. She initially said she'd read something on Facebook that upset her but then blurted out she asked why I keep buying fetish clothing.

For reference this was my dress at that time.

I asked her what she meant, and she responded telling me the pleather was too much. I liked what I saw and said I bought them at a regular clothing outlet, and this is not out of place for people to wear out. She asked why I dress like a 20 year old hitting the bar, who am I trying to impress.

I never got to be 20 years old. I went out and awkwardly dressed, never feeling confident in how I dressed and acted. I'm catching up on lost time and doing this because I want to. I have for the first time really been happy with the mirror and will not alter that and go back to hating myself for her comfort. I explained once again how suicidal I had become by the time we moved into our house.

She once more asking why I dressed this way and why I purchased lingerie she had found (a pvc nurse outfit) and asked if this is how she wanted to dress, and does not want to compete with me at her age.

The dam broke.

I explained I just want to have fun, to feel desired because for the past 10 years I have felt quite the opposite. When she withdrew physical intimacy under pretence of being worried about pregnancy (despite my offer at time to get myself fixed) I reconciled myself with the fact this was her decision and to be respected. I explained I understood this as this is a descision she made for her body, and I have no right to say on. But to be later told it was because I disgusted her in an argument about emotional intimacy during my cancer scare.... I cannot find words for how heavy a blow that was when I was already feeling like dirt to her when she was upset by a friend's cancer but stoic about my cancer fears, and did not even hug me. 

I had bought the outfit in December at my lowest ebb after our financial arguments and her refusal in November to sign onto PIP (after I expressed doubts over my retirement without her having any pension built up). I had broken down in tears leaving work after Christmas after being hugged by my three best friends in work, where as I only got 1 brief hug for the entire year when I was leaving for surgery in october from my wife.

This combined with her accusations of being unsafe for women in bathrooms and comparisons to Jane Gumb this year had deeply DEEPLY damaged my willingness to let her in emotionally, especially due to her use of aspects of me I nervously shared with her in confidence used against me, reminding her.once again how she vaguely referred to me on Facebook 10 years back causing me, a renowned bad liar due to the 'tism, having to make up cover stories when people were asking me about her posts I couldn't actually see on Facebook.

I brought up how the Google location tracking she had been bemoaning I had turned off came about at this time due to my people pleasing, as she would call me and scream down the phone at me if I was 5 minutes late from DnD and got embarrassed by everyone looking awkward at me. The group drifted but I suspect a lot of people stopped inviting me places to avoid her behaviour.

This had isolated me further and her little bouts of pettiness had now calloused me to the point that her microagressions, such as monday nights use of 'the other woman' in regards to my femine side when she didn't get her own way.

I once again I asserted that my fashion sense is my own, to make me feel good about myself, and as I do not dictate how she dresses neither should she dictate me.

I admitted to feeling like I am at a crossroads in marriage and in my life. I was considering transition as the direction I am likely to take. That I do not expect her to be attracted to me, I've been blessed by her telling me I disgusted her that I have already processed this. But if that's the case she is free to move on but respect me enough to tell me that to my face.

She briefly interdicted that she didn't like my body language or bitchyness to her when I become "this other person". To which I explained.i am.merely unmasking and do have resentment to how I had been terrorised back into the closet and.missed out on 10 years of development due to her actions then, that it is now at an accepted pace as I have roughly a year to find myself properly for the counselling.

I closed my flat toned barrage with the statement that I am going to live with more care to myself, but I am.not going to go back to wishing I never existed.

She burst in tears at this point, apologising for the hurt she caused, but I had gone numb. She explained this was due to how she was curt out of her.life by her ex before.

Trauma is a reason but not an excuse to traumatised others I said, and recommended she book in with a therapist with Mind.