about last night

Finally getting over this cold. The frustration of the big explosion of activity (coming out and my first time in public) had been brought to a sudden and sharp stop. Literally no one is to blame but im frustrated all the same, and worried the momentum is lost (thanks AuDHD).

But this period has also been an odd period domestically. My wife has turned from someone with a dark cloud whenever talk of fashion, cosmetics or LGBTQ issues to someone seemingly attentive, and initiating discussion on these topics.

But last night, she presented me a wig. It was one that didn't fit her (she has a small head being a shorter person) and it seemed to suit me well. She said it would be a good “Work wig”.

I honestly am unnerved about this, and I do think this is further backpedalling from events on the 27th. And in the past said she couldn't live with another woman again, particularly with hormonal swings (HRT would do that)

To try and get my head around this I chatted to a few friends online about this, particularly bestie in reading while we were in the kitchen.

She asked what I was tapping away on, and I told her it was my friend in reading, and explained I was trying to find out what's going on with their purchase of a narrowboat.

She mentioned that she was disappointed that everyone else gets to do things she wants to do (she would like a canal boat holiday), so I set her straight that this was due to a nasty divorce and needing to stay in touch with kids etc.

She snapped “let's not get to that stage” and then masked back up.

I know my wife isn't fond of my friends on the internet, and this particular friend was sent a stern message on Halloween 2022 to “stay away from her husband” after snatching the phone out of my hand. But I also wonder if this is all an act to avoid being homeless from a relationship collapse.

The latter concerns me. It's not fair on her to go along with something she doesn't want, seeing firsthand how a similar situation led to my own suicidal thoughts.

But how do we separate if that's the case? She doesn't work, doesn't claim PIP or UC. It's not like I could leave the house to her and go live back with my parents, nor do I think I would not become resentful if we become housemates if she isn't contributing in some way, as I do have some resentment that it's taken me 10 years to get to this point, financially supporting her hobbies while I repressed myself so hard the closet was hidden in a closet, in Narnia.

How do I unpick this mess.