My Lowest Point; Or how my wife found out my crossdressing

I am often asked how did my wife find out about my crossdressing, and I am ashamed of this chapter of my life. Not just because i was in denial at this time, but how I hurt her.

Like many trying to figure out why I preferred myself in femminine form for periods of time I reached out on the internet. Search for crossdressing networks online and the searches will be predominantly dating sites, or communities that have a dating sideline. 

Its simply not economically feasable for a website to run with a massive bandwidth and database backend without selling a service, or offering rewards in return of donations and paid membership.

This is not uncommon, for example Sanctuary Radio, an internet radio station often fails to meet its funding goals by donation alone, Rob who runs that station often pays out of pocket to the tune of hundreds if not thousands of dollars each month.

But this search for community was at a time where I didnt know about henderfluidity, and was trying to fit myself in the box of someone who dresses purely as a sexual kink.

The website I signed up onto was one with not just dating as a side earner, but had an escort advertising. 

When my wife came across my phone open with my profile shown, with a picture of myself (face obscured) wearing a vintage girdle/bodyshaper (aiming for that vintage pinup vibe) it was a massive blow.

Many arguments were had, and while my wife tried at times for me to explain myself exactly, i shut down out of shame and purged. This purge however neglected items I missed in previous purges, again and the trust was well and trully gone at this point.

In any other circumstances she would have probably walked out, but we were in the middle of a lengthy immigration process, one she embarked on after selling everything to move here with me (a story explained in another post to come).

In defence of my wife ahe had tried following this to somehow bridge the gap, gifting me a corset that she had no use for any more (it was now too large for her). I was however so ladned with shame and disgust at myself i shut down. Shame for the hurt i caused, for nearly jeopardising what we were trying to achieve, and disgust that i was feeling before i was caught by the unsolicitated messages via this service which made me feel disgusted and not what i was actually needing. 

I needed a friend, a confidant, and to not fear.

I was asked by my wife why I didnt discuss my kink with her, and as I explained the resounding theme was that others who had confessed thier needs to spouses, it had ended in divorce, loss of custody, bankrupcies, firings, etc.

This period was the first time I ever felt that I wanted to die, and the only reason I didnt was that my wife was in a strange land with no support other than my family. My wife and my family were not on a friendly trajectory at this time due to friction of living under the same roof, and begaviour my wife had not realised had been insulting to them.

So I did what anyone unhealthy would do. Burried it. Repressed it. Threw myself into singular purpose, making it up to her and striving to get our life back on track. We even moved out to a place we could not afford at that time (even though it was at below market rates for rent) in an effort to solve the civil war between wife and my parents, and move on.