Eclipse madness

Following Reading I have been in an emotional low, stress is up and I'm finding myself actively annoyed by continuous talk of tomatoes from the wife, and little else.

Needing a perk I placed the photo of my friend and I on my phone lock screen, because it reminds me I can be happy, and it has helped.

However yesterday I arrived home to my wife at the door, which is very unusual as she's normally either in the conservatory watering the forest she's put in there or on her spot of the bed chain vaping.

Placing my phone down on the table upwards she caught a glimpse of my lock screen and freaked out. 

She asked who was that on my phone (she must be ignoring my Facebook page as it's up there). I explained it was my friend and I from the night out. She demanded to know why I don't have a photo of her on my phone, or of us together.

For context, I have ADHD and ASD diagnosis, and I really can't counter arguments without prep. She knows this.

I started to explain that I don't have photos of us because I can't stand seeing myself in male mode and before I add it's because there's a smile that even my sister cried because she thought it had gone away forever.

My wife went on the attack.

She asked why I don't take her out more and I countered truthfully that and had often refused to go out if there was the slightest perceived imperfection in her appearance, but despite this persevered going out despite hating myself and my body for her. She said I was just being silly and belittled my struggles with dysphoria as silly.

Yes in that close proximity to me.explaining how an eyebrow out would often have her in screaming tantrums. One such occasion made us late to a friend's wedding ceremony.

I once again highlighted that in the past 8 years. These nights often ended up cancelled at the last minute or just avoided when she started using the reason for the cats not being left alone. 

She started implying I was using my friend as a wedge between us (ironic as it was my friend who encouraged me to be more open and share more of me, leading to Halloween 2022). I told her this and reminded her that as she told me she said “she did not want to be seen with my tranny shit”, and her weaponizing things I told her when I was still in the closet in petty rebuttal over unrelated arguments has made me not want to share anything with her.

He then said she has trauma over secretive behaviours and this is how she will act, blaming me for being secretive.

This was the point I shut up. Unable to care any more. Those tears she gave for allowing her trauma to hurt me on the 2nd of march were as suspected crocodile tears.

Whatever respect I had for her as a spouse died then.