Rebecca Riot's Diary

So its been a busy couple of weeks/months since my last update. The big event was that the surgery for an epidymal cyst has happned, and I am currently on the end of my recovery leave from work. Its been hard psychologically due to inactivity and being stuck iwithin 4 walls. The physical pain and comfort have been a chalenge but its more the.mental aspect. Somemof the larger pumps have gone but everything is still sore and larger (I am told temporarily so due to healing). This is possibly worse of a headfuck than the cysts were, as doubts as to whether it was worth it add to the allready drread of not aving the right body type add to it. I also feel my efforts to controll exfoliation and arm/leg hair have taken a giant leap backwards. I am sitting here ready to bust into tears. And I feel alone. I feel like I cannot confide these feelings to my wife any more, and while I can normaly just grey rock any borderline episode, I just dont have the ability right now. Her last outburst (about ...

This image shared in a FB group has stuck with me. When people ask what I wish had been different would be something along these lines last Halloween. It's taken many years of not understanding myself, and while I had been raised by accepting supportive parents, I grew up in a time where constructive conversation about sex and gender was outlawed , but not the rampant queerphobic rhetoric of kids and adults in educational environments. Humans are social creatures, to be alone outside of the tribe is a threat to life in more primitive stages of our evolution. We therefore have a survival instinct to confirm and mask, and have anxieties about being different which are often out of control at adolescent ages. when trying to improve my anxieties I had started the process of letting people into the guarded part of my psyche that I hadn't even faced. My wife, who up to then had been THE CENTRE of everything I did for 10 years at that time was let into what i was going thr...

So where to begin. These past 2 months have both flown and dragged. My medical issue (Epididymal cysts) has just become more problematic for my own comfort (physical and mental). Im often woken up just turning and now sitting is become an issue. This has laft me just exhausted and distracted. Some days are better than others. But friday it was really bad, inflamation and swelling etc. Since then its gone down but i have been a zombie. On the crossdressing front i have not had opportunity since May, qnd had arranged to be with sister today to have me time. I have a new dress i am eager to try on, but fearfull i wont fit or will just be mishapen. Theres nothing worse to a body blow than being disphoric and attempting to fix it only for crushing dissapointment. On top of this my wife and i have had ups and downs. She has weaponised my other side in a disagreement about something else, and then complained when i took a dress to my sister that i never told her about it, and we dont talk any...

For most of my life I have have avoided and hated photos of myself (not connecting this to why I could pick an outfit out for my mum to go to a fancy work dinner but not my dad 😂). Infact I have had perods where I destroyed pix. Now when I met my wife whilst in the US, it became clear that there was no future for us there, but had a chance we could make the immigration criteria in the uk. But we would have to prove our relationship. This meant photos. And I gritted my teeth and got them done every opportunity I could. My wife continued long after we were clear because thats what couples do. When I finally had a pic of me in makeup and shapewear that worked I bawled. I finally had a photo that I wasnt reviled at seeing. Clocks forward to yesterday and my wife nearly backed out of a friends wedding because of the photos and not being happy with her own immage recently. I just wish she realised what she is experiencing is what I had been choking down since we met.

11 years ago i was thinking my window for presenting was fading. I was depressed, overweight and living in crowded accomidation, and finding no alone time to dress or even think of practicing makeup. At this time i still truly disnt know what was up with me. I wanted to be glamerous, i envied the femme fetalles for thier grace and cool, but i didnt feel this all the time, and i was not attracted to men, so why did i feel this way.  I considered the goal of just glamming up to be unatainable past 30. I just want to go back in time and alap myself for being ageist, and showing what a bit of support and help from my sister for basic application advice can achieve.

This was written June 17th, and left in drafts. It's not a great day for me. Im really at my limits mentally right now. A week ago after enjoying a bbq meal with the wife I had a moment of mental calm, no chorus of noise which has been getting worse for the past decade, I was in masculine mode and enjoying having done a days yard work and splitting ash logs for the bbq. It was at this moment wife felt like she was doing cleanup oon her own (I was cleaning metal grills down with a wire brush while they were still hot), so decided to argue. In which my genderfludity was brought up by her and weaponised. Now the advantage of not suffering noise of ADHD, being in the mindset that matched my body, and no longer ashamed of this side of me, was that I just wasn't reacting emotionally.  But then she hit me with "I cant trust you in womens bathrooms" This actually did anger me. I have a deep hatred of ny kind if preditation, whether in be sexual or financial. So I told her t...

One of the challenges faced being in and not in the closet is that bouts of disphoria are tough when you cant have space to resolve that when your allready in a dopamine crash. For the past month I have been trying to motivate every inch of me into promotion at work and seeking other employment. This has left what little dopamine i had massively depleted. However opportunities to practice makeup and outfit combinations had a massive boost to stave off a complete meltdown following a not great, but not disasterous interview. This however brought me to somewhat functional levels, but nothing extra yo push through another round. However 2 weeks ago I realised one of the posts i submitted an application for, had been filed to an identical scheme listed for another location i would not be able to move to, and the scheme for my location had closed. Que usual cycle of self blame and hate for not realising this, and knowlage that it will happen again due to A number of neurodiverse...

Title is a Kristeen Young song about how you cant wait to get to a certain point in life. This is where i am at. A week until i get to go shopping with my awesome supportive sibling fore makeup. And im just wanting now. Im seeing mutual friends of my spouse and I post selfies with drag performers, another open thier house to a trans individual fleeing from another state. Andnim still tip-toeing around my spouse's anger and projection, when i just want to reconcile Becca and the day to day me as the same person to a lot of people.

Im fortunate enough to have a name that when shortned is unisex, and there has only one time I had a moment of Gender-Disphoria over the use of my long format name. Generally I am unbothered by pronouns or my name personally.  PLEASE NOTE; not all genderfluid people have dodged this bullet, so its allways best to ask and respect the use off. However i still go by a pseudonym online, and to identify the femminine mode of me to friends. Why? Safety is an important thing. And women may often use a false name to avoid stalking, women in adult entertainment allways will. There is allways going to be a chaser that cant understand "No", the neckbeard that sees is as an object to possess, the Terf that wants to out us, or many other genuine reasons of safety from "I dont want my sides of life to collide", to just plain straigh "I dont want to get un-alived". I chose the name Becca to keep this side of me private when I wasnt ready to be out. To keep this side of m...

Its a odd feeling when you put in a picture and it assumes your gender is how you want to present. Its here that it becomes a greater tool to help try makeup and hairstyles. Well Iput in one of my new pics and OMG. Now this has oversmoothed my smile lines. But i think i found my contouring pallette and eye shading.

I have never liked to be in photos. I seem to have pictures out of social pressure only, my facebook has many that I wish i could erase forever, but they tend to be selfies with myself and my wife, or taken of me by my wife, they exist because they are hers and she wants them. However off the cuff I took a group selfie of my sister and I after a makeup session ( my first), no real forethought, just in the moment I just clicked it. Later that night my sister shared a pic of her coffee table, covered in polaroid style prints of her and her family. That selfie was amongst them. This was a big emotional moment for me.

Where to start. Yesterday I finished work early, and after running some errands went to my Sister's place to start the year off properly. New Hair! The wig I settled on from AliExpress on friday arrived sunday (wtf! That was soooo quick), and was just everything I hoped for. Ive not had the chance to trim the lace or brush it out but its just amazing. As predicted the had front wig I previously used was a good start but, the lacefront hairline just brings it closer to passing. Make-up! Rhe foundation BB cream I had from the wife was just not the right tone, but my sister used her own foundation (which was a lighter tone) and my W7 eye pallette to bring my face up to spec. Some very mild contouring and eyeliner made a difference. While no AbbyCats, I was euphoric at the difference.  Sister has a plan to take me cosmetic shopping so I dont get store security called on me again (I was wearing my 'hoodie of dismorphic release (+1)' so must have looked suspect). And ...

Well, 2 days later and I'm a bit calmer now I have had my angry outburst. But it's convinced me that appeasment is not an option, it bears a heavier price the longer it continues. So my mission is to just "wig out" as my online bestie says, and deal with the conflicts as they come in a calm rational manner. After all, I am not the issue, her expectations are. So the big question is what lacefront. My current wig (£9.00 cheapie) is a nice dark purple colour, and while I love the shade, the hairline is obvs bad.  Part of me fancies a new lacefront in purple but also part of me wants something more realistic in shade. It has to be synthetic also as storage is not on a shelf (restyle before wear) and human hair will be too delicate for a tranny on the run. Purple, grey/silver or dark blonde?

I bought a used cellphone for my wife last year, but its not been reliable and sometimes it goes days or weeks without being able to make or receive a call. So this week I broke down and bought another when I really couldnt spare the cash. She needs a phone in event something happens while im at my 9-10 hour a day job.  However as her phone was a later android OS. The phone just would not move things accross. So just doing things manually I went into whatsapp to see if this is backing up to be recovered and saw a preview of a conversation.  This was witth mutual friend who has dripped off social media but now only messages my wife. Well it turns out my wife has been painting a picture of me as a lazy inattentive husband, and compared me to her ex that took active steps to make her homeless. I have, since we arrived in this country worked every hour I can at my job, tried fir every promotion, not because i wanted the job, but because we needed it. I have been the sole earner on...

  Often people will tell you a first time story, but I dont think I can give a definitive moment, and I dont think I will be done in one blog post. It could be a drunken friends 18th party, a chivalrous offer of swapping my flats for another friends heels to walk in packed snow/ice, or even just stomping about in my mums heels rather than my dads driving boots one particular week as a toddler. However it was clear I wasnt allways happy with my self image growing up. A photo taken one day may be perfectly acceptable, yet unbeknownst to me abhorrent the next. This I now know to be disphoria but it was inconsistent and unpredictable.  I didnt feel trapped in the wrong body, yet at times frustrated that there'd be weeks where I quite frankly felt masculine fasions unsatisfactory, the boys blazer I wore as a school uniform I found was blocky and clunky, I felt like I was drowning in it despite it being sized and wished it was taken in around the waist like the girls bla...

2012 when my wife found out about my crossdressing. Physical intamacy pattered off. At the time I was told that it was a fear that she might end up pregnant just as menopause was about due. As my wife has had a complicated (and sometimes life threatening) medical history I accepted this. I beleived this, this is my wife, were completely honest with each other as all married couples are 😉. However in June 2022 I found a lump that was suddenly quite large (about 4cm!) That appeared out of no where. Terrified I had missed a cancer at a treatable phase. I was distraught, not out of fear of death, but leaving my wife widowed with poor health, no income and few friends in the UK. About a week and a half I had bottled this up until it was the day before my Drs appointment. I broke down and told her, because at this time I just needed comfort. She didnt even look up from her phone and just told me i'd be fine.

I had fallen into depression late 2020 and had started to dissociate at home and at work. We had argued. And i had also confessed I was gender questioning, and apeaking to other trans and fluid people online (reddit and IRC chat), to better understand what i was going through. Under advisment of a close friend from that circle, I began to just be me. And no longer hide, and just be absolutely honest. My wife has her ghosts from the past, shed been abused and abandoned, and it was unfair on her for me to just zone out. March I was contemplating Halloween. I allways hold back every year and have wanted to drag out for years. So I was asked what was I thinking about as I had my thinking face on. So i just told her. "I am thinking about dressing as Elvira (mistress of the dark) for Halloween" There I said it. I was expecting to be blanked or be shouted at, but instead; "I can help with the makeup, thats easy" I had to contain my excitment. This was so emotionally assuri...

In 2021 my wife and I finaly got on the property ladder (luck, privelage, and 60 hour workweeks due to the covid backlog at work), we had made it. Bills were coming down (ha ha ha, fuck you 2022!) And yet I was still not happy.  Crossdressing which I had been repressing since my wife caught me online  for 9 years before had become a temptation again. I then used faceapp on an offchance and it suddenly made a bit more sense.  While faceapp needlessly de-ages you. I realised that I could bear to see this in the mirror, where I couldnt stand my own that particular day. This was the moment I knew it wasnt a kink, there was something deeper, I had to speak to others and find out why. So I joined two websites to speak with others. A descission that while making a bit of bother down the line for me, I still consider the right choice for my sanity.

I am often asked how did my wife find out about my crossdressing, and I am ashamed of this chapter of my life. Not just because i was in denial at this time, but how I hurt her. Like many trying to figure out why I preferred myself in femminine form for periods of time I reached out on the internet. Search for crossdressing networks online and the searches will be predominantly dating sites, or communities that have a dating sideline.  Its simply not economically feasable for a website to run with a massive bandwidth and database backend without selling a service, or offering rewards in return of donations and paid membership. This is not uncommon, for example Sanctuary Radio, an internet radio station often fails to meet its funding goals by donation alone, Rob who runs that station often pays out of pocket to the tune of hundreds if not thousands of dollars each month. But this search for community was at a time where I didnt know about henderfluidity, and was trying to fit mysel...

This is a diary, not a daily diary however, just as thoughts flitter through as im unpacking. A little about me for context for the reader; I am a 40 something person living in the UK (wales if you haven't picked up on the historic relevance of the name), and I, at the moment at least, strongly identify as Genderfluid. Growing up in the 1980's and 90's, as a child of section 28. Topics on gender and sexuality were illegal to discuss, and mass education into these topics were not upto snuff. You were hetero, gay/lesbian, or trans. And if you didnt fit in those three very strict sterotypes, you spent your time wondering why you're different or broken still. It is only in midlife that these topics have been fully fleshed out on the backs of advocacy and discussions recently. So like many of my generation, I have accepted myself late, and will move forward to unpick my past. Hopefully this may resonate with others and maybe even help. I speak for myself on this, as my aweso...